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My greatest fear is that…

April 28, 2010

I am loosing my intellectual capacity: that I’m becoming stupid.  It seems to me that I get confused easily.  I’m not sure why, but I can’t do math in my head any more.  I find it increasingly difficult to verbally express complex thoughts.  Hell, it’s increasingly difficult to just speak.  My words get all jumbled up, it’s not really stuttering although it’s close.  It’s as if instead of my hands trembling, my tongue is. Consequently, I tend to keep my mouth shut, not wanting to appear a fool.  Couple that with my left arm being half paralyzed and you can see my frustration.

It drives me crazy.

I guess it really isn’t a good idea to think of what I once was.  We all grow old and lose our brilliance.  I just get frustrated because I think my candle is getting snuffed out, rather than being allowed to burn itself out.  In some ways it is fascinating: seeing yourself grind to a halt; a train wreck in sloooow mooootioooon. 

The other day I was talking with my head shrinker.  He said he has seldom seen someone with more self-sarcasm.  It’s just my way of dealing with this.

Enough self-pity.  The other day I was working at a hospital and saw a guy with no legs.  I’m so much better off than him!

Here’s my itinerary:

Day 1: Anchorage to Wasalla.  43 miles, stay at a hotel.

Day 2: Wasalla to Willow Creek.  72.5 miles, camp out.

Day 3: Willow Creek to McKinley. 60 miles, camp out.

Day 4: McKinley to McKinley Park. 62 miles, camp out (but maybe stay at a campground or hotel?)

Day 5: McKinley Park to Nenana. 60 miles, camp out.

Day 6: Nenana to Fairbanks.  63 miles, hotel.  



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  1. Doug;

    I rarely say this, but “I know how you feel.” at least to some extent. But, we can fight this thing. It’s like taking on someone who is bigger than you. You just have to say, “I may not win the fight but I am not going to give the bully the satisfaction of beating me without doing some serious damage to him too.” You have what it takes. If we are going to go down, it will not be without the fight of our lives. I can almost hear the Rocky theme song playing in the background now as you climb those hills and pass those mileposts.


    • Bob, You don’t know how many times I play that theme in my head as I’m struggling up some mountain! I like your fight philosophy. I’ve fought bullies several times in my life; I’ve always been glad I stood up to them. Doug

  2. Jill permalink

    Doug if it makes you feel any better, I think age in general alters our edge. I find as I approach another decade, my thoughts aren’t as rapid as I would like and at times I have to pause before I speak. Hmmm, maybe that is God’s way of showing wisdom at work. Maybe there is just a lifetime of information up there and it takes a little longer to cycle through. I like to think we become a softer, gentler, more compassionate version of our younger selves. And for those of us that are type A’s, that is not such a bad thing. Embrace the new perspective this change brings to your life. As my Dad says, I have PD, I am not an idiot.

    • It’s kinda funny you say that. I was thinking about saying something like “On the plus side, I have become kinder, gentler and more compassionate.” But my manly-man self-image stopped me. Thanks.

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